He is the FBI’s top kidnapping negotiator. He’s negotiated with 100s of hostage-takers and international terrorists. His 10 actionable tips to master the art of negotiation and never split the difference:
1. Listen More Than You Talk
Listening is critical in negotiation. It builds trust and increases deal velocity. Listening is an advanced skill, more difficult than simply keeping quiet.
Master it.
2. Use the Right Tone of Voice
A calm, soothing voice triggers a calming neurochemical response.
Avoid a blunt, attacking tone. It’s counterproductive long-term and wears people out.
3. Label Their Pain
Identify and call out the other party’s negative emotions.
Neuroscience shows labeling negative feelings like an “elephant in the room” reduces activity in that part of the brain.
4. Aim for a “That’s Right”
When someone says “that’s right”, it releases oxytocin, the bonding chemical. Guide them to have an epiphany.
Don’t just try to get a “yes”.
A “that’s right” means they’ve taken your perspective to heart.
5. Mirror & Repeat Back
Tactically repeat the last 1-3 words someone says. It’s ridiculously effective. Great negotiators use mirroring because it makes people feel heard. It gently guides the discussion.
6. Prepare to Hear “No”
Great negotiators aim to get a “no” first. It means the real negotiation has begun.
“No” provides a chance for the other side to feel in control and express how they feel.
“No” is the start of the negotiation, not the end of it.
Embrace the “no”.
7. Be Ready for “How” and “What” Questions
Use them to engage the other side and uncover key information.
“How am I supposed to do that?” makes them ponder and abandon rigid positions.
“What about this is important to you?” gets to underlying motivations.
8. Use Calibrated Questions
Start questions with “how” or “what”.
Avoid “why” — it puts people on the defensive.
“What about this is important to you?” / “How can we solve this problem?”
9. Create the Illusion of Control
People want autonomy. Ask questions that begin with “How would you like me to…”
Let them feel they’re in the driver’s seat, even if you’re steering.
Give them the illusion of control, and they’ll be more likely to give you what you want.
10. Find the Black Swans
Every negotiation has 3-5 “unknown unknowns” that can swing the deal either way.
Listen and probe to surface these hidden variables early. Is it a ticking clock? A third party’s influence?
Spot the black swans, and you’ll dominate deals.
Negotiation is like a muscle, and it atrophies without practice.
Volunteer on a suicide prevention hotline like Voss did.
You’ll hone your listening, labeling, and calibrated questioning daily.
When you’re negotiating life and death, a business deal is child’s play.
Credits
Fernando Cao Zheng
@thefernandocz